I read an article recently on how parents ought not to brag on social media about their kids’ accomplishments. It made me think long and hard about posts I’ve made and pictures I’ve shared when my kids have done something that I feel is praiseworthy. Am I sharing these moments because I think it makes me look good? Do I think my kids’ successes are some kind of proof of my good parenting skills? Am I wrapped up in a competition with other parents as to whose kids do the most awesome stuff? Am I living vicariously through my children? I sincerely want to know. So, I asked myself. More importantly, I asked the Lord to reveal to me if I have been motivated by pride.
Whatever people want to think is fine. But, no. I am proud of my children for who they are, not for what they do. But it is because of who they are, and, yes, who my husband and I are raising them to be…that they do what they do. Many of my favorite moments with them have been captured and shared. And, yes, there have been many to share…the day my daughter finally did her first back walkover, my son’s beaming face the time he received the game ball, my other son being nominated for an award that recognizes academic achievement and good character… I am proud of their determination, of their courage to pursue goals and dreams, of their choices to lead when they do, and of the fact that they are growing and learning every day.
In fact, I’m proud of your kids (and you!!) when you do the same! I just love seeing people, ANY people striving for and accomplishing goals and having dreams realized. I love seeing prayers – even the prayers of a mom sitting beside me on the bleachers (“Please, Lord, let him make this basket!”) – answered!
Maybe I should share a little more about the hard work and determination that led to these special moments. I have to admit, I have left out the struggles. You won’t see pictures of any of my kids in tears because of frustration with school work. And it hasn’t always been easy. You won’t see posts about how, as parents, we disciplined them when they failed to obey. And they do make mistakes. Nope. No pictures of midnight prayers when one was struggling with fear. No selfies of me and my husband arguing when we disagreed over parenting issues. All of these things are part of our story, too.
I don’t post stories and pictures of these moments, not because I’m ashamed of them or because I think they are too ugly to share. I don’t post pictures of my dirty dishes or laundry because I want you to think I never have them. I choose what I share based on what, I hope will make you smile, what I hope will inspire someone or make someone laugh. I also post things for long distance friends and relatives who want to keep up with what’s going on in our world.
But all of this makes me think. If I were to post the back-story, you know, the parts about how we struggled, fell, got back up, and overcame…would people say I am bragging about that? Would they rather see us fail? Would people think I was complaining and whining on social media? I think they would.
One thing I have learned in this social media arena – people will judge and criticize. No. Matter. What.
Everyone has something they are standing up for – or against. Including me. So, here is what I am standing up for. I am standing up for being led by the Holy Spirit when you post something. As with the words you speak, think and pray before you post. Ask the Lord to reveal your own heart to you. He is faithful to bring conviction – not condemnation- to those who sincerely want His guidance.
Also, when you look at or read something someone else has posted, check your own internal response. Are you truly happy for them and their accomplishments? If not, why? You may learn something about yourself.
Sure. There are people who live double lives. There are people who are desperate for approval and attention. But I think most of my friends just want to share their special moments.
Let’s lighten up on one another. Go ahead and post that picture of your son with his trophy! All those practices (and prayers) paid off! I’ll like it and enjoy your (and his) special moment!
Train Them Up
Every parent has his or her own style. It is not only unneccessary to check your personality at the door when you become a parent, it is also unwise, since you are very unlikely to be consistent in your parenting if you try to be someone you are not. To me, part of the beauty of families is that each one is unique. Each home has its own special culture and style.
So, whether you are an artistic type, a sports enthusiast, a comedian, or a technology guru…go with it. Don’t put your children in a box and expect them to be you, but go ahead and share with them your interests and unique perspective on the world. They’ll enjoy a rich heritage if you do.
As you’re doing so, though, don’t forget to train them for living their lives. Remember, when you get them, they don’t know the basics yet! They need you to help create structure and order. They need to know how to develop good habits, to take care of their bodies, to develop good character, and to manage their time.
Also, you may be a free spirit who believes you learn things better through experience and hard knocks. But don’t assume your child will be the same. Oh, they’ll learn! But the majority of people don’t just figure things out. And life is usually much harder on people who are left to do so on their own. Hard knocks will not necessarily make them stronger! It could make them angry, timid, or confused! But hard knocks when they are given tools for how to deal with them can help them develop strengths in certain areas. People who experience struggles in life can grow through those struggles OR be crushed in the process. The difference maker is often whether or not they had previously developed character traits or knowledge on what to do during a hardship. Furthermore, we all need to know that there is someone else walking through things with us and supporting us along the way.
This is why I believe a hands-off approach to parenting is a mistake. Not only that, it is contrary to how God tells us to approach parenting in the Bible.
Proverbs 2:6 says Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
I am not suggesting that we control our kids or hover over them correcting mistakes they make. In fact, that would probably produce just as many problems as leaving them to themselves. Rather, I encourage parents to model and to purposefully teach their children how to do things. Then, go from doing things side by side to watching them try it with you near by. Finally, when your confident you’ve taught them and according to their age and maturity level, let them do certain things without you. Let them know you believe in them. Eventually, let them experience failure. And, then, teach them how to respond to failure. And when they succeed, they’ll be ready to take on more.
I have worked with children for 27 years, long enough to see some who I taught in kindergarten now raising their own kids. (Boy, do I feel old right now!) My experience has been that, the kid who grow to be the most confident and successful in life are those who were trained up purposefully by loving parents who gradually turned over decisions and responsibilities as their kids grew and were ready for them.
The “sink or swim” mentality is not a good idea when it comes to raising kids. Your role as a parent is enormous! You have the opportunity to set your child up for a peace-filled, joy-filled life. Ultimately, all responsibility will be given to them for their decisions. But that doesn’t mean those decisions won’t still affect you. Don’t waste the time that you have while they are living in your home to help shape their character. They will still make mistakes, and that won’t be your fault. But why not give them the best possible foundation. Teach them what you know! They’ll still have plenty to figure out on their own as adults! Don’t you? I know I do!
How to Help Your Child Do Well In School (Part 2 – Attendance)
It might seem obvious that actually being at school is very important for a child’s academic success, but I think sometimes parents forget how much can be accomplished during a school day. After all, if you ask your child, what he or she learned at school they are very likely to respond with a shoulder shrug and something like, “Nothing much.” As a teacher, however, I am painfully aware of what a child who is absent is missing. Trust me. When your child is habitually absent from school it will hinder their academic success. It may seem that one day a week isn’t that much, but please let me explain from a teacher’s perspective how that affects your child.
Currently I only teach one subject, high school Spanish. However, I have also taught kindergarten and been a substitute teacher in just about every grade level, including other high school subjects. I can’t speak for all teachers or all schools, and, of course, none of this applies to homeschooling families. Still, I think it is largely underestimated what the average teacher is attempting to accomplish on any given school day.
In my class 3 out of 5 days I am introducing new concepts. The other 2 days are usually used for review or testing. If a student misses one day of the week, he or she is very likely to miss the teaching of a brand new concept or a test or quiz, which will have to be made up. If he or she misses a test, then they will have to spend some other class period making up that test, which results in missing another lesson.
I also recently substituted in my son’s 5th grade class. In Bible (it’s a Christian school), we reviewed for a big test coming up. In language, I introduced an entirely new concept, predicate adjectives. And, in math we practiced a concept that had been introduced the day before. All of this was before lunch. If any student was absent on that day I would feel very sorry for them. They missed a lot. That was just one half of a very normal day.
Parents often expect teachers to teach their child whatever was missed one-on-one, and most teachers I know are absolutely willing to do so. However, it is extremely difficult to find a time to do it. I only have my students for 50 minutes during the day. What should the other students do while I re-teach a concept to one student? Or, do I re-teach the whole lesson and put us all behind another day? What if I am giving a test? How do I teach a concept to one student while others are taking a test on that very concept?
Remember. This is just one of 6 or 7 subjects that a high school student takes during the day. If an entire day of school has been missed, he or she has the same situation in each class. And this is just one student. Imagine if 3 students each missed a different day during the same week. (Happens all the time.)
So, you can see the hardship it puts on not only your child but also on his teachers.
Do I expect every student to have perfect attendance? No way. Things happen. Sickness, a death in the family, school sports…these are all legitimate reasons for missing school. And most teachers I know are willing to do everything in their power to help kids make up for missed class time.
Gone are the days of holding students after school for makeup work, though. Kids are so busy these days with after school activities. Also, if they ride the bus home, this is not an option. When, during the day is a teacher supposed to turn his or her attention away from the rest of the class to give that child individual attention?
My point in this post is to, hopefully, confirm for parents that, yes, it really is important to make your child push through on those days when they just don’t feel like going to school. If at all possible schedule appointments and vacations on days when school is out. You will be helping your child if you do. Furthermore, while a day out of school shopping with mom sounds like fun, it is your child who will have to pay the price for missing instruction time. You might want to check with their teachers and see what will be missed. Then be willing to help them study what they missed at home.
In our family if someone has been running a fever, throwing up, or had diarrhea in the past 24 hours they get an automatic pass! No school for you! Also, as long as they are making up their work and studying for missed lessons at home, they may participate in school sports or extracurricular activities which often require that they miss class. Furthermore, if my child is making straight A’s, and we have cleared it with his or her teacher ahead of time I am fine with 1 or 2 days off during the school year because they need rest or because they have an opportunity for time with a visiting relative or something like that. One or two days during the school year!! And this is only if they are not struggling academically.
Think about what you are instilling in your child when you require them to push through and do what they don’t feel like doing. Do any of us feel like being responsible every day? There are certainly days when I don’t feel like going to work! But I go anyway because it is the responsible thing to do. Also, you are teaching them to count the cost and weigh the consequences of their choices. If the student is older, let them know that they will have to work a little harder on their own to make up for missed class time. Teach them to evaluate whether or not it is worth it.
When we require our children to be faithful, committed, and responsible we are helping them create habits that will help them succeed in school and in so many other areas of their lives. Please let this be an encouragement to you. Go ahead and establish with your child that they will attend every school day unless you make the call for them to stay home due to sickness or some other rare circumstance. I bet when they are parents they will continue the same mantra with their children, setting future generations up for success in school and in life.
Celebrations: My Sweet Girl’s 13th Birthday
Last Week was my daughters 13th birthday. (Words cannot describe the way I feel when I look at my sweet little girl who seems to have turned into a young lady over night.) Of course, 13 is a big deal to a girl. For Savannah, it meant finally being allowed to have an Instagram account and finally getting to wear mascara.
To me, every birthday is a special one. It is the one day of the year in our family where the focus is on one individual, celebrating who they are as a person and what they mean to us.
Without going into detail, let me just say this month I have hardly had time to clean my house, grocery shop or cook for normal days. I have definitely not had time to plan and prepare for a nice, pretty party for my girl. In fact, my husband’s birthday came and went this month and we barely even acknowledged it. (I’m still feeling guilty…but I don’t think he’s too bothered…)
Nevertheless, I knew this was no ordinary birthday for Savannah, and it deserved special treatment.
So, there was exactly one Saturday afternoon in January when our entire family could be at home at the same time! I snatched it for Savannah’s birthday celebration. We just happened to not find that particular slot until 4 days prior to the date. (No pressure, Mom…!) And…I had to work all day one of those days and travel to basketball games…which were both 2 hours away…the next 2 days in a row…enough said.
But…
It turned out to be the most fun birthday party she has ever had!
So, I thought I’d share what we did with you. Maybe you can find a little inspiration from our thrown-together, but ultimately very special celebration.
I’m not saying I recommend only giving yourself 3 days to plan a party – at your house!! But sometimes, you just have to go for it or it won’t happen!
To start, Savannah and I sat down over breakfast on Tuesday, and I listened to her ideas of what would make her day special and to what she didn’t want it to be like. Basically, she just wanted to hang out with friends at home, but wasn’t sure who to invite or what to do once they were here. She was afraid certain girls wouldn’t get along and that certain girls would be bored and just sit and look at their iPhones. She also didn’t want her friends to get the idea that this was some sort of “party for a little princess” or that she just wanted presents…She also said she liked carmel cake.
Okay. I can work with that…
So, that morning, I made phone calls and made sure grandparents could make it, texted our address, etc. to the moms of friends and explained the last minute nature of the event to everyone as I cleaned the dining room and got ready for work. All but one friend was able to make it.
Wednesday I ran to the store and got the food and took it home in the 2 hours I had between other commitments.
The menu: Veggies and dip, fruit and dip, seven layer dip or salsa with tortilla chips, hamburgers grilled out by dad, carmel cake and chocolate cake.
Thursday, I ran to Hobby Lobby to find decor (and her gift).
The decor: This is what I started with (I know, weird, right?) But Savannah was nicknamed “Sunshine” by her first grade teacher, and the napkins are her favorite color…So, in a huge hurry, these are the first things I grabbed as I ran through Hobby Lobby.
Next, I found cute tealight lanterns to in yellow and aqua to bridge the colors.
I also picked up these yellow fluffy pom pos for half price to hang from the chandelier.
I also found these cute chalkboards (I always wanted a chalkboard anyway! And I’ll use them over and over!
The only additional decor I bought was a wicker storage container (I think it was 2$ from Target) to hold plastic utensils, some green candles to go on white candle holders I already had from the dollar store, and the burlap/lace table runner I found at Walmart.
Unfortunately, I didn’t get a picture of the final product. We only decorated the dining room and put all of the food on the table in there. It turned out really pretty. The best part of the decor was that, to Savannah, it was meaningful. She appreciated that I used her favorite colors, incorporated her nickname, and didn’t make it over the top or princess-y.
I learned from this. Not only did I not stress out for weeks over making everything look Pinterest perfect, it did’t take a lot of time or money to make it pretty and special. Also, I only focused on cleaning the rooms we would be spending time in and didn’t freak out about making the whole house spotless. Furthermore, we planned the party for 3:00 in the afternoon, to give us time Saturday morning to prepare. We got the boys involved and my angel of a mom came over and helped in the kitchen. (I love you, Mom!!!)
The entertainment: As of Saturday morning, I still wasn’t sure we could keep the party flowing smoothly with 10 girls for 5 hours! So, I made a quick trip to Michael’s, and I bought wooden plaques, letters, acrylic paints, and wood glue for the girls to make personalized wall hangings for their rooms. I set everything out on the kitchen table – It looked cute and was a nice icebreaker. Plus, there was their initial waiting for them…kind of special. (There again, no picture of the whole table! Ugh!) The idea was to give them something they could sit around the table and work on as they came in and got to know each other. It would also give them a keepsake to take home.
Also, we wanted a way for the girls (some friends from dance, some from school, and some from church) to feel comfortable and to be able to connect in a fun way. So, we decided interactive group games like Apples to Apples, Catch Phrase, Heads Up, and Spoons would be fun. We moved the coffee table to open up our living room and set out games for the girls to play.(At first, Savannah was a little nervous that some of her friend might think that was lame. But the girls were excited about the games. Of course, the iPhones came out and they got lots of funny pictures and videos, too. (Of something besides just selfies and sexy poses!)
I think everyone had a really good time. Savannah enjoyed laughing and making memories with her friends, and everyone got to know each other a little better. It didn’t cost us a lot of money or time. So, the parents weren’t stressed. There was no drama and no one sitting alone or spending the whole time on their phone. As a family, we got to watch our special girl interacting with her peers, and all of a sudden seeming very teenager-y.
Seasons of Marriage – For the Not So Newly Wed
Have you been married for more than 10 years to the same person? If so, congratulations!! I know that you have already been through some trials together. Ups and downs have come and gone… and come again by now. Yet, you are holding on.
By this time you surely have built a life together that has some things worth holding on for. You’ve most likely settled in how you want things to flow in your home. You’ve probably headed in a definite direction where jobs are concerned. Maybe you have a child…or two…or more…together.
By the 10 year mark my husband and I had established a few things…where he was planning to focus in his career (kind of), where we would live (at least for now), how many kids we would have (3…unless he would consider adopting another one day), where we would go to church (almost certainly for forever), and where our kids would go to school (probably).
So, we set our direction and began chipping away at goals and dreams. We put our hands to the plow, so to speak. During the next few years we had to revisit the plan many times. There was unexpected anguish over job decisions, deciding to build a new house, changes in our church…the children…
Yet we plowed ahead.
Plowing is hard and tiresome!
Have you ever planted a garden? A lot of the hard work is done when the weather is hot. It’s dirty and itchy, and you’re sweaty! There comes a point when you’re weeding a section that you turn around to see your progress. It can be discouraging when you look back and see you haven’t gotten nearly as close to the end of your work as you thought you would have by now.
I think that’s what happens around the 15 yr. mark in marriage. We look back at our progress and realize we aren’t even close to finish with the work. And we’re tired!
A couple sets out planning and forges ahead with the anticipation of seeing their dreams fulfilled. The vision they have together keeps them encouraged. Eventually, though, unexpected stormy weather, pests, and interruptions, one person having to work by themselves for a while… take their toll.
We get discouraged.
Does it seem like your partner took an extra long water break and you’re the one who’s been doing all of the work? Do you feel like you’ve been toiling in the heat? Have unexpected “storms” popped up in your life that have slowed down your progress?
When someone plants vegetable garden, they are looking forward to the fresh, healthy vegetables that they will enjoy when the work is done. They often don’t think about all the work that they will have to do picking, cleaning, storing, and preparing the vegetables once they get them. A lot of would-be farmers end up letting their produce rot on the vine because they quit too soon.
Are you starting to wonder if the harvest is even worth the work?
Let me encourage you today. Stay in there. Life is hard work. But the joy of knowing that you pushed through during difficult times might be the biggest reward. Don’t give up too soon! Sometimes we have to step back and get a renewed vision. That’s ok. Sometimes we have to dig up an area and replant. Sometimes pests have threatened our precious vegetation and must be eradicated.
There can be joy in the difficult seasons, too, though. Stop every now and then and enjoy the fruits of your labor that have already ripened. Stop and thank the Lord for the beautiful home He’s given you, for your incredible children, for the people who have encouraged you along the way. Be thankful for the partner He’s given you and how you have grown as a result of that special person in your life. Cultivate a heart of thankfulness.
Remember that you and your spouse are in this together. Don’t give up on each other. Encourage one another. Dream and plan together again. Remind one another that you have a common goal. That common goal is love. Yes, love is its own purpose. It is also its own reward.
A legacy of love is worth the lifetime it takes to produce it.
Helping Your Children Do Well In School – Part 1
I have 3 children. They are in the ninth, seventh, and fifth grades in school. My oldest and youngest are boys, and my middle child is a girl. Their personalities range from extreme type A (first-born), to artistic (middle), to extreme life of the party (the baby, of course). They also each have very distinct learning styles. My oldest learns best by listening and watching. Once he hears the lesson, he processes it in his mind and hardly has to study at all. My daughter has very systematic study habits. She writes and organizes everything and studies like crazy. My third born learns best when he is physically involved. He literally jumps up and down or shoots hoops, etc. while he is studying. (It drives me nuts! But it works for him.) All three of them (at this point) are straight A students, and, over all, have done exceptionally well among their peers in the college preparatory school they attend.
Often I am asked, “How do you get your children to study/do their homework?”
There is no short answer to that question.
How children learn varies greatly. However, I am going to share a series of posts on how we have handled academics, grades, and school, in general, in our home. I do believe there are tried and true principles that can be applied which will help most children succeed in school. I also believe that parents are extremely influential when it comes to their children’s views about education and whether or no they will do well academically. I have witnessed the connection between parent involvement and academic achievement not only with my own children, but also as a teacher in a K-12 private school and as someone who grew up as the daughter of a school principal.
First, let me share with you what I believe to be the biggest influence on how most children perform academically during their school years –
THEIR PARENTS’ ATTITUDES ABOUT SCHOOL AND LEARNING
Please don’t be offended by this statement if you are the parent of a struggling student!! Unfortunately, some of you may have had bad experiences at school when you were growing up. Maybe you struggled with making good grades, or perhaps you were treated unkindly by classmates or even by a teacher. Maybe you have become successful in spite of not having a strong academic background. Either way, you wouldn’t be reading this if you weren’t interested in helping your child have a good experience in school.
So, I will say it again. Your attitude about school and learning are extremely important. If you want your child to succeed academically, he or she must feel that it matters to you.
IN OUR HOME
My husband and I both value education very highly. We consider the opportunity to receive an education to be a gift. This opportunity is taken for granted in our society. We are truly blessed that in our country every child is guaranteed the right to an education. That is not the case everywhere in the world. These are feelings that we have expressly stated with each of our children. We make it clear to them on a regular basis. “School is a good thing!” I often hear myself declaring, especially when we are returning after a fun, relaxing holiday.
Make a point of expressing your beliefs about education out loud, where your children will hear it. (You may need to do some soul searching first, and make sure your beliefs are positive!) Be certain that they never wonder if you care or notice whether or not they are learning. Learning is a school-aged child’s job. It is what these years are for! When I wake my kids up in the morning I say something like “Good morning! Let’s go! It’s Tuesday! Let’s get ready for school.” Like any other kids on the planet they will complain. I always respond the same way…”What?! You don’t feel like going to school?! School is great! School is a blessing!! School is important!! And you’re going.” And I mean it. I also encourage them to press on. Who doesn’t need to be reminded of upcoming breaks and special events to keep them going. So, we celebrate Fridays and game days and count downs to Christmas break…spring break…the end of the year.
No. I’m not trying to raise nerds. Are you kidding me? I’m a teacher. No one appreciates breaks from school more than a teacher!!
But my kids know where my husband and I stand. They know that learning is of paramount importance to us. They know they are going to school, and they are expected to learn, and that it is a good thing. No question about it.
And the dialogue continues in the evening also. “So, how was school? Did you learn anything interesting? Do you have a lot of homework? Do you have any papers for me to sign? How did you do on that math test? What did Mrs. Smith say about your book report?…”
You get the idea.
As parents, we can’t be so wrapped up in our own world that we forget about what our children are doing all day long. They are learning and growing. School is the place where they are developing intellectually, socially, mentally, and even physically. This is their life right now. They have to be there. So, let’s make them feel good about being there, and constantly remind them that school is a good thing.
Whether you are happy with the particular school your child is attending is not the issue at this point. Even if you dislike the approach your child’s teacher is taking in a certain area. These are topics to be discussed behind closed doors among adults. It should have no bearing on how you feel about the importance of learning and education.
What I hope to do with this post is just to help you pinpoint what could be a critical factor in how your child performs in school. If you haven’t already done so, begin establishing an atmosphere in your home where school and learning are valued. Don’t allow an over all negative attitude toward education to hold your child back from fulfilling his or her potential.
Zoe the Scaredy Dog
We have a 65 pound boxer named Zoe whom our family loves dearly. She is an overly affectionate, ever-present source of joy in our home. However, we recently started becoming increasingly concerned for her. One day, she seemed lethargic, which, for a boxer is practically unheard of. The next day, she begged for food and whined, but she would only take a couple of bites out of her bowl and walk away.
The kids said she seemed depressed. (This was funny to me, because boxers have droopy faces and always look sad when they are still. But, if you’ve ever met one you know that they actually smile with their entire bodies!)
I had to agree with the kids, though. Zoe seemed depressed.
There didn’t seem to be anything physically wrong with her, and it had only been a couple of days, but I decided to get serious about figuring out what her problem was.
On the third morning, she began begging to be fed even though her bowl was full of fresh dog food. I walked with her into the pantry where her dish has always been. She would eat two or three bites. Then, as soon as I walked away, she would stop and follow me out of the room.
I wondered if she was afraid to be in the pantry alone. I moved her food and water into the kitchen and…what do ya know…She gobbled up the entire bowl within a couple of minutes.
It turns out that Zoe would rather starve, or at least barely survive, than face her fear of being in the dark, scary pantry alone. My husband said, “Well, the pantry is pretty scary…”
Later, my youngest son remembered that a few days earlier a baby gate that was propped up against some boxes had fallen over while Zoe was eating. It had startled her. Then, my oldest son said, “Yeah, she doesn’t like to be in the dark, either.”
Well, there you go. Mystery solved. Zoe is a scaredy dog.
A little patience and reassurance on out part was all it took to get her back to eating her food in the pantry.
Thankfully, Zoe is back to her wiggly, licky self. We are all relieved.
Have you ever had an experience that, in the grand scheme of things seemed insignificant, yet you kept replaying its memory over and over? This little episode with Zoe was one of those for me. When this happens to me I’ve learned to just stop and say, “Okay, Lord, what are You trying to teach me here?”
1 Corinthians 1:27 says, “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.”
Not that I consider myself wise, except through Him, but I am certainly more sophisticated than my dog. At least I’d like to think so. But how often have I let fear keep me from doing the thing I need to do? How often have I let fear keep me from the thing that I love or need?
It seems silly that our dog would go without food to avoid a dark room with a baby gate that might fall over and make a loud noise. After all, weren’t her ancestors fierce predators?
Yet, how often do we avoid uncomfortable situations because of our fear of the unknown?
Just as Zoe was comforted by my presence, we can be comforted knowing that the Holy Spirit is with us. Zoe’s only real enemy was fear itself.
Go ahead and take that next step toward receiving the good things God has planned for your life. He is good, and He is faithful. Don’t allow your soul to starve because you’re afraid of the dark. Enjoy the fulfillment that can come from walking by faith.
Psalm 34:8 Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him.
Pursuing Peace in Parenting: Who’s Calling the Shots?
Let me ask you a hard question. It is one I have had to ask myself at times. I know you love your child…But do you worship your child? Is he or she your reason for living? Does ensuring his or her happiness take priority over everything else in your life?
I definitely believe that, in parenting, there are times to base decisions on what is best for the children. Once we become parents the health, well-being, education, and training of our children become top priority. We need to be willing to set aside conveniences, recreation, and luxuries for ourselves and focus on caring for the kids.
But often what starts out as good, responsible parenting ends up getting off balance. The child (or children) under our care become the center of our universe around whom we feel every thought, decision, and activity should rotate. It can happen subtly, almost before we realize it. This attitude isn’t healthy for us or for our children.
How do we know if we have put our children on a pedestal as if they are little gods?
We have to be honest with ourselves.
Be brave enough to ask yourself the following questions:
- Am I able to see my child’s flaws or do I get highly offended if someone suggests that he or she isn’t perfect?
- Do I know that he or she isn’t perfect but feel like any poor behavior on my child’s part is justified given his or her particular circumstances?
- Who is in control in my home? Me and my spouse…or the kids?
- Do I constantly put my children’s needs, wants, and happiness above those of my spouse, myself, my parents, my friends, my boss…?
- Do I find myself compromising in areas where I once had strongly held convictions for the sake of my child’s happiness?
- Do I avoid any form of discipline because I’m afraid of having to deal with my child’s response to my correction?
- Do I expend all of my time, money, and energy for the soul purpose of making my child’s life easy and happy?
- Do I lie for my children?
- Am I miserable, worn out, and stressed in my own home?
For those of us who are committed to intentional parenting, we would probably have to say that, at times, we all find ourselves letting the kids call the shots. But if you answered yes to all or most of the questions above, let me offer you another perspective from someone who has worked with children and parents of all different ages, in many different situations, for more than 20 years.
First of all, your son’s or daughter’s temporary happiness is just that. Temporary. There is no quick answer to helping them discover true joy. What you really want is for them to experience is a deep, abiding joy that comes from within. Once they have discovered that, no one can take it away. I know this is what you really want. But giving them whatever they want at the moment will cause them to mistake temporary happiness for true joy. They need to know that true joy comes from within and is not dependent on circumstances or on immediate gratification. Believe me, they will face many different circumstances in a lifetime that you will not be able to control. Allow them to learn that you can be content even when you do not get everything you want.
You would be amazed at how much happier children are when they know that someone else (someone trustworthy) is in control and they don’t have to be! What a load off for them to know that they don’t have to call the shots! I’m an adult, and there are times that I really wish someone else would make the decisions around here! When it comes to how we operate as a family, though…in our home, at school, at church, or out in the community…my husband and I should be the ones to make the decisions, not the kids. In fact, a child’s first lessons in learning to trust God come from learning to trust their parents.
Finally, Go ahead and settle this. Your child is not perfect and that is okay. Children are not supposed to be perfect. I am not perfect! Are you perfect? If someone suggests that perhaps your little angel told a lie, was unkind, cheated, was disrespectful…stay calm. Maybe they did! Maybe they didn’t. I tend to go ahead and assume that mine did so I can think about how I’ll deal with it. This is not because I think my kids are bad, but it is because I think they are…kids! They are learning! If an adult says they messed up, I’d prefer to think the adult isn’t just out to get them (then we’d have a different issue!). As a parent and a teacher I’ve experienced both sides. Trust me, if your child messed up that doesn’t mean you are a terrible parent or a miserable failure. It means that what you have here is an opportunity to help an imperfect child grow and learn. Let him or her experience consequences, learn to repent, and learn to make it right. What valuable lessons for the future. Don’t shield them from having to acknowledge their own failures and from learning from them.
We must remember also that our own joy and fulfillment should not be wrapped up in whether or not our children like us, and our peace shouldn’t be dependent on whether they smile or sulk. What better way could there be to teach our children about that deep and abiding joy and the peace that comes from trusting God than to model the pursuit of it ourselves.
Chapel – Alpha and Omega
Every other Wednesday during the school year I minister to the students of our church school in the morning chapel service. It is something I love to do.
The children range in age from 3 years old to 12 years old. Keeping the attention of about 150 students at so many different levels of maturity and, hopefully, sending them off with an increased understanding of God’s love for them and what the Bible says…can be a real challenge.
I get creative. For example, I may or may not have spent a large portion of my planning time learning how to say the abc’s backwards…So, if you saw me at the grocery store or driving down the road muttering something and nodding my head to the rhythm of my words…now you know.
This school year I have been using chapel time as an opportunity to focus on the names of and the character of God. So far, the lessons have included God is our Creator, God is our Protector, God is our Provider, and God is our Healer. Today, I taught the kids that God is the Alpha and The Omega.
As I prepared to teach I spent a lot of time meditating on Romans 1:8 “I am the Alpha and the Omega,” says the Lord God, “who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty.” (ESV)
It’s amazing to me how much deeper you delve into your own understanding of a topic when you sincerely want to teach a child what is true and right. Yet, it is important to remember that we do not have to lean on our own understanding.
I want these kids to know that God has always been with them. He knows everything they have gone through, all they are going through, and everything they will ever face in the future.
As I was thinking about this, the awesomeness of His character overwhelmed me again.
Then it hit me. He has always been there and knows everything I’ve ever done. Yet, He chooses to forget my mistakes. Psalm 103:12 “He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.”
God knows my past. He is with me in my present. And He has prepared a good future for me. Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”
He also knows that I will face challenges and trials, partly due to life and learning, and partly due to the fact that there is an enemy who doesn’t want to see God’s plans for me fulfilled.
But He’s got that covered, too. He will never leave me or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). And…”we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” Romans 8:28.
We know our beginning. We are working to understand our present. So much of our future is a mystery. But God knows it all.
So, as I challenged the kids this morning to practice saying their abc’s backwards, I also challenged them to trust the Lord God. He knows their life forwards, backwards, and from the middle.
What an awesome, loving God, that He would use something so simple – Alpha and Omega, A and Z – that a child can understand. Yet, it is such a deep concept that the revelation of what it means can become deeper and deeper throughout a lifetime.
Pursuing Peace in Parenting
Parenting has been, without a doubt, the most fascinating experience of my life. I can’t imagine a greater challenge than being responsible for another person’s spiritual, physical, mental, and social development! I also can’t imagine greater joy than watching a person’s entire being unfold before my eyes!
Perhaps even more amazing is the fact that, like so many others, I have felt the overwhelming pressure and awe of my position as a parent and then had the guts (or whatever you want to call it!) to take it on not just one…not two…but THREE times!
Sure, we parents are there for the kids. Our children need us. God gives us the responsibility to care for them and to train them. However, it is through my experience as a mother that I have come to understand on a deeper level how great His love is for me…for ME.
Motherhood has brought me to a place of desparately wanting to understand the love of the Father. And I am finding that He desparately wants to reveal it to me!
Although the Lord has given me a role of great responsibility in my children’s lives, He is also teaching me to let go of the weight of that responsibility and to allow Him to carry it. It’s as if He is walking ahead of me carrying every supply that I will need and handing them to me when I ask for them. I could insist that I’m capable of doing it by myself. However, I have learned that He didn’t design me to carry the heavy load of motherhood alone. I have also learned that He knows better than I do what I need in each moment.
Let me encourage you to let God help you as you raise your precious children. He is the one who created them, after all. He can give you peace and joy even during the struggles. He can give you wisdom that will cause you to stand back in amazement at what He has done through you!
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Pursuing Peace 