Seasons of Marriage – For the Not So Newly Wed

Have you been married for more than 10 years to the same person? If so, congratulations!!  I know that you have already been through some trials together.  Ups and downs have come and gone… and come again by now.  Yet, you are holding on.

By this time you surely have built a life together that has some things worth holding on for.  You’ve most likely settled in how you want things to flow in your home.  You’ve probably headed in a definite direction where jobs are concerned. Maybe you have a child…or two…or more…together.

By the 10 year mark my husband and I had established a few things…where he was planning to focus in his career (kind of), where we would live (at least for now), how many kids we would have (3…unless he would consider adopting another one day), where we would go to church (almost certainly for forever), and where our kids would go to school (probably).

So, we set our direction and began chipping away at goals and dreams.  We put our hands to the plow, so to speak. During the next few years we had to revisit the plan many times.  There was unexpected anguish over job decisions, deciding to build a new house, changes in our church…the children…

Yet we plowed ahead.

Plowing is hard and tiresome!

Have you ever planted a garden?  A lot of the hard work is done when the weather is hot.  It’s dirty and itchy, and you’re sweaty!  There comes a point when you’re weeding a section that you turn around to see your progress.  It can be discouraging when you look back and see you haven’t gotten nearly as close to the end of your work as you thought you would have by now.

I think that’s what happens around the 15 yr. mark in marriage.  We look back at our progress and realize we aren’t even close to finish with the work. And we’re tired!

A couple sets out planning and forges ahead with the anticipation of seeing their dreams fulfilled.  The vision they have together keeps them encouraged.  Eventually, though, unexpected stormy weather, pests, and interruptions, one person having to work by themselves for a while… take their toll.

We get discouraged.

Does it seem like your partner took an extra long water break and you’re the one who’s been doing all of the work?  Do you feel like you’ve been toiling in the heat?  Have unexpected “storms” popped up in your life that have slowed down your progress?

When someone plants vegetable garden, they are looking forward to the fresh, healthy vegetables that they will enjoy when the work is done.  They often don’t think about all the work that they will have to do picking, cleaning, storing, and preparing the vegetables once they get them.  A lot of would-be farmers end up letting their produce rot on the vine because they quit too soon.

Are you starting to wonder if the harvest is even worth the work?

Let me encourage you today.  Stay in there.  Life is hard work.  But the joy of knowing that you pushed through during difficult times might be the biggest reward.  Don’t give up too soon!  Sometimes we have to step back and get a renewed vision.  That’s ok.  Sometimes we have to dig up an area and replant.  Sometimes pests have threatened our precious vegetation and must be eradicated.

There can be joy in the difficult seasons, too, though.  Stop every now and then and enjoy the fruits of your labor that have already ripened.  Stop and thank the Lord for the beautiful home He’s given you, for your incredible children, for the people who have encouraged you along the way.  Be thankful for the partner He’s given you and how you have grown as a result of that special person in your life. Cultivate a heart of thankfulness.

Remember that you and your spouse are in this together. Don’t give up on each other. Encourage one another.  Dream and plan together again. Remind one another that you have a common goal. That common goal is love. Yes, love is its own purpose. It is also its own reward.

A legacy of love is worth the lifetime it takes to produce it.

Helping Your Children Do Well In School – Part 1

          I have 3 children.  They are in the ninth, seventh, and fifth grades in school.  My oldest and youngest are boys, and my middle child is a girl.  Their personalities range from extreme type A (first-born), to artistic (middle), to extreme life of the party (the baby, of course).  They also each have very distinct learning styles.  My oldest learns best by listening and watching. Once he hears the lesson, he processes it in his mind and hardly has to study at all.  My daughter has very systematic study habits. She writes and organizes everything and studies like crazy.  My third born learns best when he is physically involved.  He literally jumps up and down or shoots hoops, etc. while he is studying. (It drives me nuts! But it works for him.)  All three of them (at this point) are straight A students, and, over all, have done exceptionally well among their peers in the college preparatory school they attend.

Often I am asked, “How do you get your children to study/do their homework?”  

There is no short answer to that question.

How children learn varies greatly. However, I am going to share a series of posts on how we have handled academics, grades, and school, in general, in our home.  I do believe there are tried and true principles that can be applied which will help most children succeed in school.  I also believe that parents are extremely influential when it comes to their children’s views about education and whether or no they will do well academically.  I have witnessed the connection between parent involvement and academic achievement not only with my own children, but also as a teacher in a K-12 private school and as someone who grew up as the daughter of a school principal.

First, let me share with you what I believe to be the biggest influence on how most children perform academically during their school years –

THEIR PARENTS’ ATTITUDES ABOUT SCHOOL AND LEARNING

Please don’t be offended by this statement if you are the parent of a struggling student!!  Unfortunately, some of you may have had bad experiences at school when you were growing up.  Maybe you struggled with making good grades, or perhaps you were treated unkindly by classmates or even by a teacher.  Maybe you have become successful in spite of not having a strong academic background. Either way, you wouldn’t be reading this if you weren’t interested in helping your child have a good experience in school.

So, I will say it again.  Your attitude about school and learning are extremely important.  If you want your child to succeed academically, he or she must feel that it matters to you.

IN OUR HOME

     My husband and I both value education very highly.  We consider the opportunity to receive an education to be a gift.  This opportunity is taken for granted in our society.  We are truly blessed that in our country every child is guaranteed the right to an education.  That is not the case everywhere in the world.  These are feelings that we have expressly stated with each of our children.  We make it clear to them on a regular basis.  “School is a good thing!” I often hear myself declaring, especially when we are returning after a fun, relaxing holiday.

     Make a point of expressing your beliefs about education out loud, where your children will hear it. (You may need to do some soul searching first, and make sure your beliefs are positive!)  Be certain that they never wonder if you care or notice whether or not they are learning.  Learning is a school-aged child’s job.  It is what these years are for!  When I wake my kids up in the morning I say something like “Good morning! Let’s go! It’s Tuesday! Let’s get ready for school.”  Like any other kids on the planet they will complain.  I always respond the same way…”What?! You don’t feel like going to school?!  School is great! School is a blessing!! School is important!! And you’re going.”  And I mean it.  I also encourage them to press on.  Who doesn’t need to be reminded of upcoming breaks and special events to keep them going.  So, we celebrate Fridays and game days and count downs to Christmas break…spring break…the end of the year.

No. I’m not trying to raise nerds.  Are you kidding me? I’m a teacher.  No one appreciates breaks from school more than a teacher!!

But my kids know where my husband and I stand.  They know that learning is of paramount importance to us.  They know they are going to school, and they are expected to learn, and that it is a good thing.  No question about it.

And the dialogue continues in the evening also.  “So, how was school? Did you learn anything interesting? Do you have a lot of homework? Do you have any papers for me to sign?  How did you do on that math test?  What did Mrs. Smith say about your book report?…”

You get the idea.

As parents, we can’t be so wrapped up in our own world that we forget about what our children are doing all day long.  They are learning and growing. School is the place where they are developing intellectually, socially, mentally, and even physically.   This is their life right now.  They have to be there.  So, let’s make them feel good about being there, and constantly remind them that school is a good thing.

 Whether you are happy with the particular school your child is attending is not the issue at this point. Even if you dislike the approach your child’s teacher is taking in a certain area.  These are topics to be discussed behind closed doors among adults.  It should have no bearing on how you feel about the importance of learning and education.

What I hope to do with this post is just to help you pinpoint what could be a critical factor in how your child performs in school.  If you haven’t already done so, begin establishing an atmosphere in your home where school and learning are valued.  Don’t allow an over all negative attitude toward education to hold your child back from fulfilling his or her potential.

Zoe the Scaredy Dog

We have a 65 pound boxer named Zoe whom our family loves dearly. She is an overly affectionate, ever-present source of joy in our home. However, we recently started becoming increasingly concerned for her. One day, she seemed lethargic, which, for a boxer is practically unheard of. The next day, she begged for food and whined, but she would only take a couple of bites out of her bowl and walk away.

The kids said she seemed depressed. (This was funny to me, because boxers have droopy faces and always look sad when they are still. But, if you’ve ever met one you know that they actually smile with their entire bodies!)

I had to agree with the kids, though. Zoe seemed depressed.

There didn’t seem to be anything physically wrong with her, and it had only been a couple of days, but I decided to get serious about figuring out what her problem was.
On the third morning, she began begging to be fed even though her bowl was full of fresh dog food. I walked with her into the pantry where her dish has always been. She would eat two or three bites.  Then, as soon as I walked away, she would stop and follow me out of the room.

I wondered if she was afraid to be in the pantry alone. I moved her food and water into the kitchen and…what do ya know…She gobbled up the entire bowl within a couple of minutes.
It turns out that Zoe would rather starve, or at least barely survive, than face her fear of being in the dark, scary pantry alone.  My husband said, “Well, the pantry is pretty scary…”
Later, my youngest son remembered that a few days earlier a baby gate that was propped up against some boxes had fallen over while Zoe was eating. It had startled her. Then, my oldest son said, “Yeah, she doesn’t like to be in the dark, either.”

Well, there you go. Mystery solved. Zoe is a scaredy dog.

A little patience and reassurance on out part was all it took to get her back to eating her food in the pantry.

Thankfully, Zoe is back to her wiggly, licky self.  We are all relieved.

Have you ever had an experience that, in the grand scheme of things seemed insignificant, yet you kept replaying its memory over and over? This little episode with Zoe was one of those for me. When this happens to me I’ve learned to just stop and say, “Okay, Lord, what are You trying to teach me here?”

1 Corinthians 1:27 says, “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.”

Not that I consider myself wise, except through Him, but I am certainly more sophisticated than my dog.  At least I’d like to think so.  But how often have I let fear keep me from doing the thing I need to do? How often have I let fear keep me from the thing that I love or need?

It seems silly that our dog would go without food to avoid a dark room with a baby gate that might fall over and make a loud noise.  After all, weren’t her ancestors fierce predators?

Yet, how often do we avoid uncomfortable situations because of our fear of the unknown?

Just as Zoe was comforted by my presence, we can be comforted knowing that the Holy Spirit is with us.  Zoe’s only real enemy was fear itself.

Go ahead and take that next step toward receiving the good things God has planned for your life.  He is good, and He is faithful.  Don’t allow your soul to starve because you’re afraid of the dark. Enjoy the fulfillment that can come from walking by faith.

Psalm 34:8 Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him.